Unafraid, Unapologetic, Yet Confused

I'm back..

After almost deleting my blog (again!!) and then setting the privacy settings to only certain readers, I have decided "F*ck it", I will do what I do when I do it!!

I was afraid that this blog would be used against me in court, for the child support.

But then I remembered where I lived, and it really doesn't matter.

They have a formula where you basically input what you make, what you spend on the child then it spits out a percentage and what each parent owes...

What the hell does fashion, personal opinion and Politico prose have to do with that??

Could it be used against me for custody...

My son's "father" (can I even call him that) is a non-factor...

My son receives the best care and love and support. 

He is thriving (green belt in Karate, performing above grade level, becoming an expert at soccer and saxopohone) and he is pretty happy (except for the occasional tween temper tantrum.)

Plus, my ex has no interest in caring for a 11 year old child. He is too busy partying it up, I'm sure.

So I am not very worried.... (read: a little worried, but pushing on in the name of bravery and what makes me feel good!).

I often think of screen shots of my blog showing up in court.

But what will the judge say?

She likes to dress up so she isn't a good mother?

I guess some of the more personal subjects that I talk about on this blog could be used against me.

But, they will come out eventually anyway, if I were taken to court. So might as well get them out now!!

My life is a complicated mess right now.

I have finally stopped buying things, but am still receiving things in the mail (to my embarrassment and my parents displeasure!).

I am still paying the mortgage on a place I no longer live in.

I am living with my parents.

I am suffering from a very personal illness that can be extremely debilitating.

I have no clue what I want to do with my life going forward.

I was up (with my normal insomnia) reading Amelia Pontes blog, and admired her for her job. I left her a note under my other, original moniker. (Not a big deal to get traffic through a comment for me) that I envied how she works with young people and makes a real difference in their lives.

I want to do something like that.. So I thought, maybe I'll get into public service, social work or something like that.

Then I spoke to my Uncle, and he told me of my cousin's ex girlfriend who studied biology and went on to become a Veterinarian. So then I.thought, "Maybe I'll be a Veterinarian."

Then I was reading A Curious Fancy by Ragini, and heard her rants and raves on India and the UK, and thought "Maybe I'll move to Britain and go to Uni there"....

WTF?? I am confused..

I worked on Wall Street for a whole, as some poshy financial firm which I can't name...

I was happy for the first few years, and making beau coo bucks... But then I became miserable. It became a pain (and an extreme effort) to wake up in the morning and go to work. I wasn't making a difference. I was just making the Rich, richer, and catering to their every need with a smile and a wire transfer...

Ugh, thinking about it stresses me out...

But now, here I am, meager and practically destitute. (okay, I am exaggerating a bit for dramatics) but this has gotten to be a bit ridiculous.

I need to figure out what I am going to do going forward.

When it is time to go back to work, I want to go to a job that has meaning to me.

I don't want to be another assembly line working, doing the job just to make a living...

I don't know..

I doubt anyone has read this, and if so, doubt they have read this far considering this post has not pictures (and I'm not up to posting any at this point)...

But it feels good to get my feelings out...

Isn't that what Blogging is all about??