Today has taken a lot out of me.
For the first time since my stay I actually teared up. It was due to the mention of my trauma and the fact that I am afraid to delve into those memories.
Now, I didn't full on cry, but enough tears fell down my cheeks that I needed a tissue.
I quickly gathered myself and again regained the stoic exterior I have perfected since I got here. Not feeling.
But then i began to realize, by showing pain, trusting the process and showing I had weaknesses, I had actually never been stronger.
My home therapist tried to get me to process my trauma once. I'm not sure what happened but apparently it caused her to quickly reconsider and realize that I was DEFINITELY not at the right stage to begin processing.
But being in the hospital is probably the perfect place to begin processing. I am safe and protected and surrounded by staff whose sole purpose is to help me get better. I won't be left alone with my thoughts or urges, which can be dangerous, because they do 15 minute checks.
So, I have a therapy appointment tomorrow with my onsite therapist. Basically just like I told my roommate, I will go in and say:
"Okay, I'm ready...Make me cry..."
Hopefully she will.
Have a good night.
Thanks for reading.